i’ve been walking these two sometimes contradictory paths for close to 20 years now.

i’ve gone down a LOT of different rabbit holes with my studies and experiments.

i don’t feel i’ve achieved what you can call “mastery” yet:

(i feel ill come into that over the next decade if we’re talking the 10,000 hours of focussed practice definition)


i do feel i’m gradually building up a solid EXPERTISE in the field of human behaviour/consciousness/personal transformation.

one of the key distinctions for me is i don’t do “personal development” as such any more.

i really am starting to drop the notion of being “here” and wanting to get “there” as regularly as i can.

it can become a sort of mental illness if you’re not careful.

constantly chasing a projected future, visioning the next big thing etc and creating a split between NOW and THE FUTURE with a subtle but pervasive implication that THE FUTURE will be “better”.

speaking from the truest level i know: “it wont.”

don’t get me wrong.

i have goals. many of them. large and small and i hit them often.

after nearly 20 years of PD conditioning myself i “dream big, get very clear and take action” and since i’ve gotten a lot of my sabotage and negative conditioning out of the way (GO SPIRAL!) it works.


theres nothing essentially satisfying about creating and achieving goals in any permanent way.

i’ve spent too much time meditating on my death and impermanence to stay in that mode ALL the time.

so.. whats the fucking point of all these practices then?

i have meditation practices, movement practices, business practices, self pleasure and lovemaking practices and spend my time making up challenges and processes for evolution, growth and learning.

armed with the knowledge we’re all gonna die anyway and that life:

‘is what it is.’

what’s the fucking point?

well. the idea that helps me reconcile the world of egoic success and outward action with the world of inner depth and stillness is this:

SELF INQUIRY (spell it how you want)

i’m coming to see life, love, meditation and true transformation as a reductive process.

the art of repeatedly stepping into the flame of unwavering self observation until anything that ISNT the real you is burned away.

this can be done on ANY path – whether your a CEO or a factory worker, a hippy permaculturist, a prostitute or a monk in a cave.

so.. lets all drop the idea that we’re going to “get somewhere” – we’re not.

but.. that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do anything.

it just means that we can take an observational approach to ourselves as we play this game.

if we can be honest with ourselves – we can know ourselves.

(the word ‘self’ kinda falls down eventually but you get what i mean)